No Positive Here

This past week was the 10 year anniversary of my mom's death.  I'm posting what I put on Facebook, even though I think most of you who read this probably would have already seen it. 

"Ten years ago today, my world was turned upside down and I lost one of the most important people in my life, my mom. "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." Romans 8:28 Although I miss her more today than ever, I can honestly look back and be thankful for that day ten years ago. For I had an amazing mom for 20 years, it brought our family even closer together, I've learned to truly appreciate the people in my life, and I really don't believe I'd be the imperfect, but perfectly loved by God person I am today. Culvers drive-thru to get a caramel cashew sundae topped off with throwing the cherry out the window in memory of you today, mom! Love and miss you!!"

 

The anticipation of the anniversary is always worse than the actual day, but it's always a tough one.  Floods of emotions and memories come back to that exact day and the days following it.  Although remembering brings sadness and pain, it's also hard to forget the love poured down on us from family and friends. 

 

I had my second ultrasound on Friday.  Most of it was done with the abdominal ultrasound, thank God!  Apparently my ovaries are higher than normal, thus the painful ultrasounds up to this point!  I had two follicles growing on the left side, including one that was measuring over 22!  I also had two on the right side.  They've done some good growing in two days!  I've been doing OPKs twice a day since Wednesday and have yet to get a positive (hence the blog title).  The plan is to test through Sunday morning, and if I still don't get a positive, then to do the Ovidrel injection and time things out.  We'll see how it works out.  Next step is to start talking IUI with the doctor so we keep moving forward with dealing with the infertility issues.  In the meantime, I will be as patient as I can during the two week wait! :)

Temporary

That word has been on my heart lately. 

This season is temporary.  The season I'm in right now is temporary.  I am married, with no children, and in career limbo.  This is all temporary...well, not the marriage! :)  Am I doing everything in my power to be content in this season?  Am I taking advantage of the blessings we have while being in this season?  As much as we want a family so badly, I know it's a blessing to only have to worry about us to get out the door.  It's a blessing to get a full night sleep, something that I'll be longing for when we have little ones.  I pray I see the positives and feel the contentment of this particular season.

The happiness I get from food and the pain I feel from exercise is temporary.  I am obese, like put the Biggest Losers numbers to shame obese.  I also have a very unhealthy relationship with food and could be the poster child for emotional eating.  Lately, this word temporary has been coming into play as I start to make healthier choices in my lifestyle.  The pain and discomfort I feel while exercising is just temporary and in the long run it's just going to make me feel better.  The happiness I feel in eating certain foods is just temporary and in the long run it's just going to make me feel worse.  Hopefully some of these temporary feelings will lead to some permanent changes.

Life on this earth is temporary.  I've had five funerals or visitations in the last couple of months.  In the last week I've had my Grandpa Cole's funeral and a visitation for a dad of former students of mine.  It's been emotionally exhausting.  My grandpa's funeral was much harder than I had expected.  It brought back a lot of memories and emotions from my mom's funeral 10 years ago.  I got to meet new people and see family I hadn't seen in awhile which was nice.  I love seeing my mom's family - it's the closest thing I have to her, but is also makes me miss her terribly.  It has all been a good reminder to me that this is only the world I'm living in, and it's temporary.  I have eternity ahead of me which at times I long for.  But for now, I'll continue taking one day at a time and not taking each day for granted.   

As far as the infertility is going, I have the normal ultrasound appointment this Wednesday.  Something isn't going right with this cycle and I'm interested to see what the doctor has to say.  Either the meds screwed something up or we had a chemical pregnancy.  I'm not going to come to any conclusions until I talk to the doctor, but either way I think meds for this cycle were started too soon due to the abnormalities, so this one is probably a bust...I am hoping to learn more this week. 

A Quick Update

Carly woke me up in the middle of the night to go potty, so I figured I write a quick fertility update since I have a few minutes before I try and find sleep again. 

I had the ultrasound on day 11 after upping my dosage of Letrozole.  After "toga-ing" it down the hallway to empty my bladder that was creating a shadow on the ultrasound, she could see that there were some small follicles on the right side and two bigger ones on the left side, and none of them were big enough.  So she prescribed more Letrozole, five pills a day for five days.  That was the first time I doubled dosages like that in a cycle.  For the infertiles reading this, have you ever had to do that?? 

So then I needed to go in for another ultrasound.  She had wanted New Years Eve at 7:00 am, and I mentioned that we were planning on being in Missouri but could make it work if we had to.  She said no problem, let's make it for Wednesday (day 17) which worked out great.  I didn't drink any water this time, since sometimes I can have peeing on demand issues. 

The ultrasound showed no follicles at all.  Nice. 

So the doctor said that means I either ovulated or they just fizzled out and would get some blood drawn to find out.  (This is where I think oh crap, I didn't drink any fluids, they are never going to get a blood draw from me.)  So after three different people, each poking me at least two times, the blood was finally drawn.  My arms look like I happily have an illegal habit.  The progesterone level showed that I ovulated, so current cycle done. 

I think this really is the first cycle where I have felt a little defeated.  I totally understand that this process, especially in the beginning at the fertility clinic involves some trial and error, but let me tell you, this is some pretty darn expensive trial and error.  Now we know for next month higher dosage for a longer period of time before the ultrasound and injection, and we wouldn't know that without the failure we experienced this cycle.     

It also brings to the front of how fertility really can control your life.  How was I going to tell my husband who doesn't get to see his dad very often that we were going to have to cut our already short trip even shorter so I can come up to get an ultrasound?  How are we going to have sex sleeping in the basement of his dad's house, with his aunt and uncle right beside us?  How do we know if I'll be able to go hunting next November in Missouri?  Will I be pregnant or in the middle of an IUI or IVF?  As much as I try to not let fertility control and consume my life, the reality of it is that a part of it really does.

Okay, the bed is calling my name again.  Round two of trying to fall  asleep tonight.  Wish me luck! :)