Patience

Home study is passed... and so now we wait. and wait. and wait.  Each month we get a report from our agency about our profile views.  Our profile has been shown to four different expecting mothers, and all of them "felt a stronger connection to another family" as the agency says. 

How polite of them. 

It's frustrating knowing another month has come and gone with no news.  I can't help but think if there is something different we should have done with our profile.  It's hard not questioning and analyzing every aspect of ourselves that was put into that profile.  

But for now, we are going to find the joy in our pre-baby moments.  This weekend we are going to shoot guns to prepare for our hunting expedition in Missouri and celebrate the birth of baby #2 for a good friend.   No one said you can't have fun while practicing patience!

 

Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (NIV)

More and Less

I recently finished reading a book and in it the father of two adults passed away.  In their discussing of what life would be like for them in the future with their dad gone, one replied, "Less."  That struck me so deeply as I read it and that one word best described how I've felt recently with the passing of my grandpa.  Less.  Since losing my mom at age 20 unexpectedly, I had it in my mind that no death would be as bad as that.  It's partly true, but I would have never thought losing my grandpa would have such an impact.  But the man whose blue eyes made an entire room sparkle and whose endless jokes could change your mood in a heartbeat is terribly missed.  It's not the same with him gone... But yet this world is more because of him.  The impact he'd had on others is endless and I consider myself more because of him.  So that's it for now.  Life is more and less.   

An Answered Prayer = Fire??

A had asked a couple of people to specifically pray for time and energy for us to get everything completed for our home study the end of this week.  As of last week we had a lot to do around the house yet, and I hadn't even started our portfolio for potential birth moms.  I was starting to feel the pressure of everything.  Well, that prayer was answered and definitely not the way I thought it would be.  My work building started on fire 2:30 am on Friday.  Thankfully, it wasn't very large and the firefighters were able to contain it.  But the smoke damage was severe enough that no one was allowed in to the building to work on Friday.  And here I sit on Monday, and the building still hasn't been cleared so I have another day off!!  Umm... answered prayer!  It allowed for me to get things ready for a Saturday garage sale and with the help of amazing family our house is now all in order with the exception of some finishing touches!  I most definitely would never wish anything bad upon anyone or anything, but I feel pretty lucky about the timing of this unexpected time off!

Still Here...

It's been quite awhile since I've done an update, mostly because there hasn't been much of one.  I finally started feeling back to myself the middle of April.  Yep, that was four and a half long months of not feeling well physically or emotionally.  The ectopic took a much bigger toll on me than the first miscarriage.  I survived Mother's Day (barely. worst. one. ever.) and am now feeling ready for what lies ahead... and that being the adoption!  We have our final home study appointment next week.  It was scheduled to be in April, but I just wasn't ready for it so we postponed it. 

It's all becoming a little more real and a little more scary.  I am just having to continually remind myself to trust and let go, which can be so hard for me!  I worry about a lot of things - finances, the health of our future birth mom and child, experiencing a failed adoption, getting pregnant again, whether or not we'll even pass the home study, etc.  It's hard not to when there are so many things that could go wrong... and when I start doing all that worrying I forget about all the things that can go right and that will just work out, even if it's not the way I pictured it to be. 

Okay, sorry this isn't much of an update but it's way past my bedtime!!  Stay tuned to hear about how the final home study went! 

“God, you do love adoption. You’ve adopted us into your family, giving us all rights and privileges of family. We are heirs and co-heirs with Jesus of all your treasures. We pray today for those seeking to adopt a child. Many children in the world do not have mothers and fathers. Many men and women do not have children. God, bring them together. Create the perfect match. Provide resources. Provide perfect timing. Give endurance and emotional strength through the grinding details. Give wisdom for them to anticipate ahead how to prepare practically for the coming change. Strengthen their marriage ahead of this coming gift. Heal any past disappointment. Parental love is nature. Adoptive parental love has to be SUPERnatural. Give a miracle of love and bonding. May nothing stand in the way of you accomplishing a completion of this match – child to parent. In Jesus!”

Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/prayerplainandsimple/2010/10/a-prayer-for-those-waitingpreparing-to-adopt-a-child.html#ixzz31qbxgIt2

Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/prayerplainandsimple/2010/10/a-prayer-for-those-waitingpreparing-to-adopt-a-child.html#qZpLKXBTlzQH0IyD.99

The Day We Decided to Move Forward with Adoption

I will never forget the day we officially decided to start the adoption process.  As we started our journey to begin our family, we hypothetically talked about adoption.  We both communicated it was something that we would  be open to. 

Flash forward almost 3 years later - multiple cycles dictated by fertility drugs, patients at a fertility clinic, two failed IUIs, and a miscarriage after conceiving on our own.  We were coming to a crossroads. 

IVF or adoption?  Financially, we wouldn't be able to do both.

For me, I knew the answer.  Adoption had been placed on my heart for the last year.  I felt I was being hit over the head with it... I would see billboards, bumper stickers, read blogs, weep (or sob uncontrollably) at the song Kings and Queens.  I felt strongly that is was something we should pursue, but I also knew that it had to be a decision both Austin and I made and felt comfortable with, not just me telling him what we should do. 

So I waited... and prayed... a lot...

Then one night we were at home just relaxing in the living room.  Austin was in his recliner and I was curled up on the couch with the dog tucked behind my knees.  "What do you think we should do?" - a question we have both asked numerous times on our road to a family.  As I cried out in my heart, "God, please lay adoption on Austin's heart" Austin said for the first time, "I think we should adopt." 

My heart swelled and the tears started falling... which in turn thoroughly confused my husband!  I had to quickly tell him that they were happy tears.  I felt a wave of relief and joy come over me!

We have a long way to go in the adoption process and the journey includes both excitement and anxiety.  But even though we aren't sure what our adoption story is going to look like, I do know that it's one that we are excited about and that we have an awesome God that's on our side!

    

#1 Sign I Am Feeling Better...

I don't pay attention to what clothes I am putting on in the morning, including my underwear! Ha!  Any of your girls would understand what I mean!  It's been almost a week and a half since I've started showing symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy.  After a little scare in the middle of this last week, I am happy to say my HCG has dropped below 500 so the doctors believe I am out of the danger zone.  I will just have to continue to have my blood drawn until that becomes zero or negative.  Pain has changed to discomfort, which is a relief.  I have been real tired and get winded quite easily, but the doctor said I could expect that for up to four weeks and I just need to give my body some time to heal. 

As far as on the adoption front, we are up to our eyeballs in paperwork and I feel like we've fallen behind with the holidays and now the medical setback.  We are going to schedule our second home study appointment at the end of the month.  Austin has started to prepare our home for the third appointment of the home study where the agency comes to our home.  We've purchases extra smoke and carbon monoxide detectors amongst other safety things that we should have had but didn't. 

I am happy to say things have calmed down for the moment, and I am feeling very thankful for that!  

Good News and Bad News

So I have a draft of a post announcing some awesome, exciting new -- we have started the adoption process!!!!  There are so many details and emotions and craziness about the process that I can't wait to share!  That will all come at a different time.  As far as a sneak peek -- we are in the middle of our home study which involves a lot of paperwork and are planning on infant domestic adoption. 

The reason I am holding off on sharing some of the adoption news is that we kind of had an unexpected weekend.  I started having some cramping and abdominal pain Thursday and Friday with some bleeding.  It was unusual because I was in the middle of my cycle so I knew this was something abnormal.  I called the doctor Friday and talked to a nurse.  She basically made me feel like a teenager with period cramps and told me to use a heating pad and take some ibuprofen and if it wasn't better by Monday to make an appointment.  After having a sleepless night Friday I woke up Austin Saturday morning and we went to an urgent care in Madison.  To make a long story short, a urine analysis showed I was pregnant.  What?!?!?!?!  Yeah, that was my reaction.  I didn't really believe them.  I had a negative home pregnancy test about 15 days earlier followed by a normal period.  I was shocked and in disbelief about the whole thing.  It quickly turned to worry by the doctor in fear that I was having an ectopic pregnancy.  They took my blood to get an HCG, gave me some kind of shot for the pain, and quickly sent me on my way to the ER. 

Once I was at the ER they waited for my blood result and it found that my HCG level was well over 1,000 (I don't remember the exact number).  I was immediately sent to get an ultrasound.  It showed nothing in my uterus, internal bleeding, and was inconclusive as to if an embryo was in my fallopian tube.  The doctor came and explained what was going on and told me they should go in and do surgery.  I immediately started crying.  I have one tube that showed it was blocked on an HSG a couple years ago, and then I was being told that they were going to go in to clean up the bleeding and debris and then they would remove the tube if anything looked "abnormal".  I told them my history and why I didn't want that, so we discussed the option of observation and we all thought that was a good choice at that moment. 

So then I was admitted and had blood drawn and vitals taken every couple of hours.  It was decided by 2:00 pm Sunday that I was stable enough to go home with narcotics and careful observation.  They believe it was a tubal pregnancy that worked itself out of my tube by itself, causing the pain and internal bleeding.  Now I wait for my body to do the rest of the healing.   

So that's where I am at!  I don't even know where to start as far as the emotions and confusion I've felt this weekend.  We have gone from trying to conceive for almost three years to getting pregnant twice in 6 months once we stopped any outside fertility treatments to starting the adoption process.  I am confused!!  But although I am confused, I know things will be okay.  I know things will work out in His perfect timing and I am just going to try my best to keep trusting and believing that.