I'm Such a Rebel

Yesterday I helped throw a baby shower for a colleague at work.  For someone whose due date is 11 days after what mine was.  It wasn't real easy doing, but made me look forward to when I'll have one someday. :) 

I stopped at Babies R Us to get something off her registry which also happened to be the coldest day so far with winter... like wind chill below zero cold.  I pulled into the parking lot and saw all the parking stalls close to the building that were reserved for "Expecting Mothers" and I drove past them and parked.  Then I looked around.  There weren't many people out so I backed out of my parking spot, circled around, and pulled into the first spot reserved for expecting mothers.  I didn't feel guilty one bit. 

That's about as rebellious I get folks. :)

So I Was Pregnant...and now.i'm.not...

Are you surprised??  Guess what, so were we!!!  After deciding to forgo all medication and fertility treatments for the summer, we got pregnant!  I was absolutely shocked to see the positive pregnancy test... the first one I had ever seen!  We spent a couple of weeks of soaking it all in... telling our closest friends and family, thinking of everything we want to accomplish in the next 8 months, discussing the hopes and dreams we had for the baby we had so longed for until the middle of the night... I knew it was early in the pregnancy and that we had some high risks right off the bat, but I decided I was going to enjoy every second of my first pregnancy, and I did... until I knew something wasn't right...

To make a long story short, I had some spotting, went in for an ultrasound, learned I was either earlier than I thought (which I knew I wasn't, I've been tracking this shit for 3 years) or the pregnancy wasn't progressing as it should, had more blood work, saw my HCG levels drop, and waited for my body to recognize the pregnancy was over to have the physical miscarriage.  My doctor did an amazing job of talking me through the process and what to expect, and for that I am thankful. 

My heart is b.r.o.k.e.n.  I can't deny that... but yet, we are coming out of this knowing that we CAN get pregnant, and that gives us a new sense of hope for a future family.  Now, we just have to pray hard that it doesn't take us 2.5 years for the next positive!

IUI #2

I haven't updated on here lately but here is where we're at:
Day 3 - Letrozole
Day 4 - Letrozole
Day 5 - Letrozole
Day 6 - Letrozole
Day 7 - Letrozole
Day 8 - Follistim injection
Day 9 - Follistim injection
Day 10 - Follistim injection
Day 11 - Ultrasound - Nothing there. Yup, nothing. Doctor didn't have an explanation as to why my body refused to respond to the hundreds of dollars worth of medicine and said based on the lining it didn't look like I ovulated early.  More meds and another ultrasound prescribed.  Additional Follistim injection.
Day 12 - Additional Follistim injection
Day 13 - Ultrasound - Two follicles on the left side measuring about 17.  We're on for IUI # 2.
Day 15 - Ovidrel injection
Day 17 - IUI #2

I've been in a little fertility funk after our first failed IUI and am really just getting exhausted from...everything... with that said, we've decided to take a break from going to the fertility clinic for the summer for a couple of reasons:

1) Summer is fun... and busy... we already have weekends booked with weddings, vacations, and camping trips.  I don't have control over my cycle and I would just feel better about life if I'm not having to worry about it in the midst of summer plans.  "Oh geez Dan, I would love to come to your wedding but it happens to fall on Day (choose your own number) and I have to (choose ultrasound, blood work, or turkey baster procedure)."

2) I need a break from the meds.  I've been on fertility drugs for two years now and I feel my body and I just need a break from them.  I am hoping having a summer without unexplainable crabbiness, mood swings, hot flashes, and headaches will put me back in the right spot come fall. 

3) It gives me a chance to hopefully have a "real" job by the end of the summer.  This in turn would mean more money for us to save for any potential procedures/adoptions down the road.  We've been surviving on my meager pay so we're looking forward to the amount of money we can potentially save once/if that changes.  I had a job interview so I'm hoping for some changes in a month... hopefully!

Taking a break from the clinic doesn't mean we're taking a break from trying.  We'll just be doing it the natural way and see what happens.  Maybe just "relaxing" will be the cure. (FYI - Do not EVER tell an infertile to just relax and then she'll get pregnant.  I may just snap right back at you and tell you to just relax your cancer or obesity or diabetes or heart disease or IBS or insert any disease away.  Yes, I know you heard of this one story where this one person knew another person who heard this story about this other person that got pregnant and soon as they adopted or "stopped trying".  It's a myth people.  The actual percentage of that happening is small.)

Wow, I'm starting to rant and rave about nothing so it looks like a sign that I should end this post.  Prayers for a positive outcome in a couple of weeks please! 

IUI #1 = Fail

Well, one IUI under our belt without the results we were hoping for.  My cycle made it only 26 days which is unusual for me.  I'm not really sure how to describe how I feel about it.  Disappointed for sure, but maybe numb is a better word at the moment.  Being such a short cycle caught me completely off guard... and I had to go right into the "next cycle" mode calling the doctor and three pharmacies today...so maybe just numb... and tired...ha!

We're going to continue with the same dosages of medication this round but are adding in a day 3 (tomorrow) ultrasound and blood work.  I think it's just a baseline to see how ready my body is for this next round...but quite honestly I am really not sure and will find out more tomorrow.  I'll keep you posted.

So I Prayed for Peace...

and peace is what I got...literally... I came home today and saw an Amazon box.  I asked Austin what he ordered and he said he didn't and he was wondering what I had ordered.  I opened the box to find a Willow Tree Angel of Peace.  I have no idea who sent it, so if it's someone who reads this, THANK YOU!  Beyond blessed!!!!!

...and the results are in...

Wednesday I had the upper GI endoscopy.  It went very smoothly and we were in and out of the hospital within an hour and a half.  I've been diagnosed with a hiatal hernia, so basically my stomach is pushing up into my chest cavity.  Not everyone who has a hiatal hernia has acid reflux problems, and not everyone who has acid reflux issues has a hiatal hernia.  It wasn't too bad of one so surgery isn't needed at all and for right now we just treat the symptoms with doubling the meds and continuing to sleep elevated. 

This morning I had my day 11 ultrasound.  I had 3-4 large follicles on both sides.  In fact, they were so large that the IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning!  Ahh!!  I was jumping out of my skin all day at work!  I am so excited/nervous/scared/happy/excited/terrified/excited!!  Moving forward gives me a new sense of hope and positive feeling.  So tomorrow morning Austin will make a deposit, we'll putz around at the Costco for an hour, and then we'll go back to the clinic for the procedure.  Afterwards, we'll be able to continue on our day as usual.  I will need some extra prayers for peace these next two weeks as we wait the results of the IUI!

I really am still here...

I have to apologize for the lack of posts.  I just haven't felt real inspired to write much!  I have a big week ahead of me.  Tomorrow is my mom's birthday.  I'm pretty sure I'll have to have a caramel cashew sundae and throw the cherry out the window in memory of her! :)  Tuesday I start the three days of Follistim injections.  I heard they weren't that bad to do and the side effects were tolerable.  Below is a picture of what this cycle entails.  There you see an entire paycheck worth of meds that have been and will be put into my body this cycle.  How exciting! (I hope you note my sarcasm!) 

Wednesday I have an upper GI endoscopy scheduled at the local hospital.  I have had acid reflux issues that started about 2.5 years ago which I was then prescribed medicine.  I took that as needed and then didn't have any issues for quite awhile.  Well, the last year it has gotten progressively worse leading up to having an episode a couple of weeks ago that involved waking up at 11:30 pm and spending the rest of the entire night coughing and throwing up acid.  That was the last straw so I went to the doctor and we're doing the endoscopy.  Since then I've doubled the medication, continued my nightly consumption of Tums, and upped it to three pillows and haven't had a problem since.  I have a feeling it will just be a simple, common case of GERD and I'll be told to continue meds, stay with three pillows, and lose 500 pounds. 

Friday morning is our ultrasound.  I'll be interested to see the state of the follicles due to the added meds.  Based on that ultrasound we'll schedule the IUI and figure the timing out for that.

So to sum it up, it's a busy week ahead for this girl...but one hopefully with some answers!

The Next Steps!

Monday I had my ultrasound.  The follicles were growing the way they were supposed to be so I took ovulation tests twice a day for four days.  I didn't get any positives (I never have!) so I did the Ovidrel injection and we timed things out.  Thursday and I Austin and I both went to the doctor to talk the next steps with him.  Pending on the results of this cycle, we decided to go with the "hybrid" IUI for our next steps.  It is considered hybrid because it will involve both oral and injectable medications.  It will go as follows:
Day 3 - 5 pills of Letrozole
Day 4 - 5 pills of Letrozole (and start praying real hard I don't start going crazy crabby again)
Day 5 - 5 pills of Letrozole
Day 6 - 5 pills of Letrozole
Day 7 - 5 pills of Letrozole
Day 8 - HCG injection
Day 9 - HCG injection
Day 10 - HCG injection
Day 11 - ultrasound to check on the follicles
Ovidrel injection
IUI process - aka the turkey baster procedure
Start the two week wait!

I really am excited about these next steps and feel good about a plan being in place!

Going Gluten Free*

I decided to try going gluten free for about six weeks for a variety of reasons.  A big reason is that I have HORRIBLE indigestion problems (wake up in the middle of the night throwing up) and I would like to find the trigger.  Another reason is that celiac runs in my family.  I have an aunt and two cousins diagnosed with it.  Yet another reason is that studies show that a gluten free diet can help with infertility.  Does it mean that once I go gluten free I will be guaranteed to conceive, absolutely not.  But I figured it'd be worth a try and really couldn't hurt anything. 

I am a couple of weeks into it and I have to admit I have been more gluten limited than gluten free, hence the asterisk.  We've changed pasta, snacks, and bread (YUCK) to GF, and that has been a pretty smooth transition.  I've found the biggest challenge to be going out to eat or going over to a friend's house.  I refuse to dictate a menu to a friend to be sure to accommodate me going GF, so I just know I can make choices to limit it (having the meat without a bun).  Also, I have found most restaurants have GF options, so I just need to seek them out ahead of time. 

I had the worst headaches I've ever had when I started going GF and am not sure if it was my body having withdrawals or if the headaches were side effects of the medicine I was on that time.  I have also had just as bad, if not worse, indigestion issues.  It's really been effecting my sleep so I am thinking about making a doctor appointment.  Being up for 2-2.5 hours in the middle of the night three nights a week is starting to take its toll on me.

Tomorrow morning I have my ultrasound to check on the follicles.  Also this week we have an appointment set up to talk our next steps with the doctor.  I'm interested to see what his opinion is of where we should go next.  I am guessing either surgery to check out the "blocked" tube or just going right into the IUI.  More updates to follow!          

Warning: Taking a Pregnancy Will Start Your Period

Ugghh!!!!!!!  I made it to day 32.  My hopes were so high.  I thought this was finally our month.  I put off taking a pregnancy test until this morning with dreams of how to tell Austin about our future family on Valentine's Day.  It was negative, but hey, I figured I'd just restest in a day or two.  Well, no need for that!  Flo decided to show up at work this afternoon.  My heart broke.  I was sick.  I just wanted to leave and cry.  I prayed at my desk that my boss wouldn't walk by asking for something so he wouldn't see the tears.  I wished so bad to be back in my old classroom where I could lock the door and cry with my BFF next door.

But, tomorrow is a new day and this next cycle will bring new hope.  It will also bring the start of the IUI conversation with the doctor.  We figure there really is no sense in continuing doing something that isn't working.  I'm interested to see what these next steps will look like for the two of us! 

     

No Positive Here

This past week was the 10 year anniversary of my mom's death.  I'm posting what I put on Facebook, even though I think most of you who read this probably would have already seen it. 

"Ten years ago today, my world was turned upside down and I lost one of the most important people in my life, my mom. "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." Romans 8:28 Although I miss her more today than ever, I can honestly look back and be thankful for that day ten years ago. For I had an amazing mom for 20 years, it brought our family even closer together, I've learned to truly appreciate the people in my life, and I really don't believe I'd be the imperfect, but perfectly loved by God person I am today. Culvers drive-thru to get a caramel cashew sundae topped off with throwing the cherry out the window in memory of you today, mom! Love and miss you!!"

 

The anticipation of the anniversary is always worse than the actual day, but it's always a tough one.  Floods of emotions and memories come back to that exact day and the days following it.  Although remembering brings sadness and pain, it's also hard to forget the love poured down on us from family and friends. 

 

I had my second ultrasound on Friday.  Most of it was done with the abdominal ultrasound, thank God!  Apparently my ovaries are higher than normal, thus the painful ultrasounds up to this point!  I had two follicles growing on the left side, including one that was measuring over 22!  I also had two on the right side.  They've done some good growing in two days!  I've been doing OPKs twice a day since Wednesday and have yet to get a positive (hence the blog title).  The plan is to test through Sunday morning, and if I still don't get a positive, then to do the Ovidrel injection and time things out.  We'll see how it works out.  Next step is to start talking IUI with the doctor so we keep moving forward with dealing with the infertility issues.  In the meantime, I will be as patient as I can during the two week wait! :)

Temporary

That word has been on my heart lately. 

This season is temporary.  The season I'm in right now is temporary.  I am married, with no children, and in career limbo.  This is all temporary...well, not the marriage! :)  Am I doing everything in my power to be content in this season?  Am I taking advantage of the blessings we have while being in this season?  As much as we want a family so badly, I know it's a blessing to only have to worry about us to get out the door.  It's a blessing to get a full night sleep, something that I'll be longing for when we have little ones.  I pray I see the positives and feel the contentment of this particular season.

The happiness I get from food and the pain I feel from exercise is temporary.  I am obese, like put the Biggest Losers numbers to shame obese.  I also have a very unhealthy relationship with food and could be the poster child for emotional eating.  Lately, this word temporary has been coming into play as I start to make healthier choices in my lifestyle.  The pain and discomfort I feel while exercising is just temporary and in the long run it's just going to make me feel better.  The happiness I feel in eating certain foods is just temporary and in the long run it's just going to make me feel worse.  Hopefully some of these temporary feelings will lead to some permanent changes.

Life on this earth is temporary.  I've had five funerals or visitations in the last couple of months.  In the last week I've had my Grandpa Cole's funeral and a visitation for a dad of former students of mine.  It's been emotionally exhausting.  My grandpa's funeral was much harder than I had expected.  It brought back a lot of memories and emotions from my mom's funeral 10 years ago.  I got to meet new people and see family I hadn't seen in awhile which was nice.  I love seeing my mom's family - it's the closest thing I have to her, but is also makes me miss her terribly.  It has all been a good reminder to me that this is only the world I'm living in, and it's temporary.  I have eternity ahead of me which at times I long for.  But for now, I'll continue taking one day at a time and not taking each day for granted.   

As far as the infertility is going, I have the normal ultrasound appointment this Wednesday.  Something isn't going right with this cycle and I'm interested to see what the doctor has to say.  Either the meds screwed something up or we had a chemical pregnancy.  I'm not going to come to any conclusions until I talk to the doctor, but either way I think meds for this cycle were started too soon due to the abnormalities, so this one is probably a bust...I am hoping to learn more this week. 

A Quick Update

Carly woke me up in the middle of the night to go potty, so I figured I write a quick fertility update since I have a few minutes before I try and find sleep again. 

I had the ultrasound on day 11 after upping my dosage of Letrozole.  After "toga-ing" it down the hallway to empty my bladder that was creating a shadow on the ultrasound, she could see that there were some small follicles on the right side and two bigger ones on the left side, and none of them were big enough.  So she prescribed more Letrozole, five pills a day for five days.  That was the first time I doubled dosages like that in a cycle.  For the infertiles reading this, have you ever had to do that?? 

So then I needed to go in for another ultrasound.  She had wanted New Years Eve at 7:00 am, and I mentioned that we were planning on being in Missouri but could make it work if we had to.  She said no problem, let's make it for Wednesday (day 17) which worked out great.  I didn't drink any water this time, since sometimes I can have peeing on demand issues. 

The ultrasound showed no follicles at all.  Nice. 

So the doctor said that means I either ovulated or they just fizzled out and would get some blood drawn to find out.  (This is where I think oh crap, I didn't drink any fluids, they are never going to get a blood draw from me.)  So after three different people, each poking me at least two times, the blood was finally drawn.  My arms look like I happily have an illegal habit.  The progesterone level showed that I ovulated, so current cycle done. 

I think this really is the first cycle where I have felt a little defeated.  I totally understand that this process, especially in the beginning at the fertility clinic involves some trial and error, but let me tell you, this is some pretty darn expensive trial and error.  Now we know for next month higher dosage for a longer period of time before the ultrasound and injection, and we wouldn't know that without the failure we experienced this cycle.     

It also brings to the front of how fertility really can control your life.  How was I going to tell my husband who doesn't get to see his dad very often that we were going to have to cut our already short trip even shorter so I can come up to get an ultrasound?  How are we going to have sex sleeping in the basement of his dad's house, with his aunt and uncle right beside us?  How do we know if I'll be able to go hunting next November in Missouri?  Will I be pregnant or in the middle of an IUI or IVF?  As much as I try to not let fertility control and consume my life, the reality of it is that a part of it really does.

Okay, the bed is calling my name again.  Round two of trying to fall  asleep tonight.  Wish me luck! :)