Desiring Him More Than Just His Answers

Waiting sometimes can just suck.  I really had considered myself a pretty patient person - until we've hit month seven of waiting.  I have to keep telling myself the average wait time is two years... but, ugh, that's a long time!  There are moments where I feel that the waiting is just a waste of time, even though we make efforts to enjoy the little things in life during this season.  A couple of weeks ago our sermon was about waiting.  God knew just what I needed to hear and I could not swipe fast enough on my phone to take notes.  One of the things the pastor talked about was desiring God more than just His answers.  That really struck a chord with me.  Too often I am just waiting for the outcomes, trying to know what the answers will be.  In reality, I should intentionally and actively pursuing Him.  As in right now.  This season.  Keep working to bloom right where I am planted, right at this moment.  I need to remember that the faith, gratitude, and trust that I have is enough and that those things will continue to keep me close to Him.       

My hope is that if anyone who is reading this is going through their own struggle with patience or waiting, that you find peace as you seek to desire Him more.     

Belated B-Day Shout Out to the Little Cousins!

So what are the chances that your cousin in Minnesota and your cousin in Colorado have a baby on the same day?  I am not sure, but it happened to me!  I will never forget January 2, 2010 - the day I bawled like a big baby getting the news I got two new little cousins on the same day!  Warms my heart still to this day thinking about it!  Love and miss you Mia and Huck!

2010

 

2013

 

2010

 

 2014

Patience

Home study is passed... and so now we wait. and wait. and wait.  Each month we get a report from our agency about our profile views.  Our profile has been shown to four different expecting mothers, and all of them "felt a stronger connection to another family" as the agency says. 

How polite of them. 

It's frustrating knowing another month has come and gone with no news.  I can't help but think if there is something different we should have done with our profile.  It's hard not questioning and analyzing every aspect of ourselves that was put into that profile.  

But for now, we are going to find the joy in our pre-baby moments.  This weekend we are going to shoot guns to prepare for our hunting expedition in Missouri and celebrate the birth of baby #2 for a good friend.   No one said you can't have fun while practicing patience!

 

Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (NIV)

More and Less

I recently finished reading a book and in it the father of two adults passed away.  In their discussing of what life would be like for them in the future with their dad gone, one replied, "Less."  That struck me so deeply as I read it and that one word best described how I've felt recently with the passing of my grandpa.  Less.  Since losing my mom at age 20 unexpectedly, I had it in my mind that no death would be as bad as that.  It's partly true, but I would have never thought losing my grandpa would have such an impact.  But the man whose blue eyes made an entire room sparkle and whose endless jokes could change your mood in a heartbeat is terribly missed.  It's not the same with him gone... But yet this world is more because of him.  The impact he'd had on others is endless and I consider myself more because of him.  So that's it for now.  Life is more and less.   

An Answered Prayer = Fire??

A had asked a couple of people to specifically pray for time and energy for us to get everything completed for our home study the end of this week.  As of last week we had a lot to do around the house yet, and I hadn't even started our portfolio for potential birth moms.  I was starting to feel the pressure of everything.  Well, that prayer was answered and definitely not the way I thought it would be.  My work building started on fire 2:30 am on Friday.  Thankfully, it wasn't very large and the firefighters were able to contain it.  But the smoke damage was severe enough that no one was allowed in to the building to work on Friday.  And here I sit on Monday, and the building still hasn't been cleared so I have another day off!!  Umm... answered prayer!  It allowed for me to get things ready for a Saturday garage sale and with the help of amazing family our house is now all in order with the exception of some finishing touches!  I most definitely would never wish anything bad upon anyone or anything, but I feel pretty lucky about the timing of this unexpected time off!

Still Here...

It's been quite awhile since I've done an update, mostly because there hasn't been much of one.  I finally started feeling back to myself the middle of April.  Yep, that was four and a half long months of not feeling well physically or emotionally.  The ectopic took a much bigger toll on me than the first miscarriage.  I survived Mother's Day (barely. worst. one. ever.) and am now feeling ready for what lies ahead... and that being the adoption!  We have our final home study appointment next week.  It was scheduled to be in April, but I just wasn't ready for it so we postponed it. 

It's all becoming a little more real and a little more scary.  I am just having to continually remind myself to trust and let go, which can be so hard for me!  I worry about a lot of things - finances, the health of our future birth mom and child, experiencing a failed adoption, getting pregnant again, whether or not we'll even pass the home study, etc.  It's hard not to when there are so many things that could go wrong... and when I start doing all that worrying I forget about all the things that can go right and that will just work out, even if it's not the way I pictured it to be. 

Okay, sorry this isn't much of an update but it's way past my bedtime!!  Stay tuned to hear about how the final home study went! 

“God, you do love adoption. You’ve adopted us into your family, giving us all rights and privileges of family. We are heirs and co-heirs with Jesus of all your treasures. We pray today for those seeking to adopt a child. Many children in the world do not have mothers and fathers. Many men and women do not have children. God, bring them together. Create the perfect match. Provide resources. Provide perfect timing. Give endurance and emotional strength through the grinding details. Give wisdom for them to anticipate ahead how to prepare practically for the coming change. Strengthen their marriage ahead of this coming gift. Heal any past disappointment. Parental love is nature. Adoptive parental love has to be SUPERnatural. Give a miracle of love and bonding. May nothing stand in the way of you accomplishing a completion of this match – child to parent. In Jesus!”

Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/prayerplainandsimple/2010/10/a-prayer-for-those-waitingpreparing-to-adopt-a-child.html#ixzz31qbxgIt2

Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/prayerplainandsimple/2010/10/a-prayer-for-those-waitingpreparing-to-adopt-a-child.html#qZpLKXBTlzQH0IyD.99

The Day We Decided to Move Forward with Adoption

I will never forget the day we officially decided to start the adoption process.  As we started our journey to begin our family, we hypothetically talked about adoption.  We both communicated it was something that we would  be open to. 

Flash forward almost 3 years later - multiple cycles dictated by fertility drugs, patients at a fertility clinic, two failed IUIs, and a miscarriage after conceiving on our own.  We were coming to a crossroads. 

IVF or adoption?  Financially, we wouldn't be able to do both.

For me, I knew the answer.  Adoption had been placed on my heart for the last year.  I felt I was being hit over the head with it... I would see billboards, bumper stickers, read blogs, weep (or sob uncontrollably) at the song Kings and Queens.  I felt strongly that is was something we should pursue, but I also knew that it had to be a decision both Austin and I made and felt comfortable with, not just me telling him what we should do. 

So I waited... and prayed... a lot...

Then one night we were at home just relaxing in the living room.  Austin was in his recliner and I was curled up on the couch with the dog tucked behind my knees.  "What do you think we should do?" - a question we have both asked numerous times on our road to a family.  As I cried out in my heart, "God, please lay adoption on Austin's heart" Austin said for the first time, "I think we should adopt." 

My heart swelled and the tears started falling... which in turn thoroughly confused my husband!  I had to quickly tell him that they were happy tears.  I felt a wave of relief and joy come over me!

We have a long way to go in the adoption process and the journey includes both excitement and anxiety.  But even though we aren't sure what our adoption story is going to look like, I do know that it's one that we are excited about and that we have an awesome God that's on our side!

    

#1 Sign I Am Feeling Better...

I don't pay attention to what clothes I am putting on in the morning, including my underwear! Ha!  Any of your girls would understand what I mean!  It's been almost a week and a half since I've started showing symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy.  After a little scare in the middle of this last week, I am happy to say my HCG has dropped below 500 so the doctors believe I am out of the danger zone.  I will just have to continue to have my blood drawn until that becomes zero or negative.  Pain has changed to discomfort, which is a relief.  I have been real tired and get winded quite easily, but the doctor said I could expect that for up to four weeks and I just need to give my body some time to heal. 

As far as on the adoption front, we are up to our eyeballs in paperwork and I feel like we've fallen behind with the holidays and now the medical setback.  We are going to schedule our second home study appointment at the end of the month.  Austin has started to prepare our home for the third appointment of the home study where the agency comes to our home.  We've purchases extra smoke and carbon monoxide detectors amongst other safety things that we should have had but didn't. 

I am happy to say things have calmed down for the moment, and I am feeling very thankful for that!  

Good News and Bad News

So I have a draft of a post announcing some awesome, exciting new -- we have started the adoption process!!!!  There are so many details and emotions and craziness about the process that I can't wait to share!  That will all come at a different time.  As far as a sneak peek -- we are in the middle of our home study which involves a lot of paperwork and are planning on infant domestic adoption. 

The reason I am holding off on sharing some of the adoption news is that we kind of had an unexpected weekend.  I started having some cramping and abdominal pain Thursday and Friday with some bleeding.  It was unusual because I was in the middle of my cycle so I knew this was something abnormal.  I called the doctor Friday and talked to a nurse.  She basically made me feel like a teenager with period cramps and told me to use a heating pad and take some ibuprofen and if it wasn't better by Monday to make an appointment.  After having a sleepless night Friday I woke up Austin Saturday morning and we went to an urgent care in Madison.  To make a long story short, a urine analysis showed I was pregnant.  What?!?!?!?!  Yeah, that was my reaction.  I didn't really believe them.  I had a negative home pregnancy test about 15 days earlier followed by a normal period.  I was shocked and in disbelief about the whole thing.  It quickly turned to worry by the doctor in fear that I was having an ectopic pregnancy.  They took my blood to get an HCG, gave me some kind of shot for the pain, and quickly sent me on my way to the ER. 

Once I was at the ER they waited for my blood result and it found that my HCG level was well over 1,000 (I don't remember the exact number).  I was immediately sent to get an ultrasound.  It showed nothing in my uterus, internal bleeding, and was inconclusive as to if an embryo was in my fallopian tube.  The doctor came and explained what was going on and told me they should go in and do surgery.  I immediately started crying.  I have one tube that showed it was blocked on an HSG a couple years ago, and then I was being told that they were going to go in to clean up the bleeding and debris and then they would remove the tube if anything looked "abnormal".  I told them my history and why I didn't want that, so we discussed the option of observation and we all thought that was a good choice at that moment. 

So then I was admitted and had blood drawn and vitals taken every couple of hours.  It was decided by 2:00 pm Sunday that I was stable enough to go home with narcotics and careful observation.  They believe it was a tubal pregnancy that worked itself out of my tube by itself, causing the pain and internal bleeding.  Now I wait for my body to do the rest of the healing.   

So that's where I am at!  I don't even know where to start as far as the emotions and confusion I've felt this weekend.  We have gone from trying to conceive for almost three years to getting pregnant twice in 6 months once we stopped any outside fertility treatments to starting the adoption process.  I am confused!!  But although I am confused, I know things will be okay.  I know things will work out in His perfect timing and I am just going to try my best to keep trusting and believing that.       

I'm Such a Rebel

Yesterday I helped throw a baby shower for a colleague at work.  For someone whose due date is 11 days after what mine was.  It wasn't real easy doing, but made me look forward to when I'll have one someday. :) 

I stopped at Babies R Us to get something off her registry which also happened to be the coldest day so far with winter... like wind chill below zero cold.  I pulled into the parking lot and saw all the parking stalls close to the building that were reserved for "Expecting Mothers" and I drove past them and parked.  Then I looked around.  There weren't many people out so I backed out of my parking spot, circled around, and pulled into the first spot reserved for expecting mothers.  I didn't feel guilty one bit. 

That's about as rebellious I get folks. :)

So I Was Pregnant...and now.i'm.not...

Are you surprised??  Guess what, so were we!!!  After deciding to forgo all medication and fertility treatments for the summer, we got pregnant!  I was absolutely shocked to see the positive pregnancy test... the first one I had ever seen!  We spent a couple of weeks of soaking it all in... telling our closest friends and family, thinking of everything we want to accomplish in the next 8 months, discussing the hopes and dreams we had for the baby we had so longed for until the middle of the night... I knew it was early in the pregnancy and that we had some high risks right off the bat, but I decided I was going to enjoy every second of my first pregnancy, and I did... until I knew something wasn't right...

To make a long story short, I had some spotting, went in for an ultrasound, learned I was either earlier than I thought (which I knew I wasn't, I've been tracking this shit for 3 years) or the pregnancy wasn't progressing as it should, had more blood work, saw my HCG levels drop, and waited for my body to recognize the pregnancy was over to have the physical miscarriage.  My doctor did an amazing job of talking me through the process and what to expect, and for that I am thankful. 

My heart is b.r.o.k.e.n.  I can't deny that... but yet, we are coming out of this knowing that we CAN get pregnant, and that gives us a new sense of hope for a future family.  Now, we just have to pray hard that it doesn't take us 2.5 years for the next positive!

IUI #2

I haven't updated on here lately but here is where we're at:
Day 3 - Letrozole
Day 4 - Letrozole
Day 5 - Letrozole
Day 6 - Letrozole
Day 7 - Letrozole
Day 8 - Follistim injection
Day 9 - Follistim injection
Day 10 - Follistim injection
Day 11 - Ultrasound - Nothing there. Yup, nothing. Doctor didn't have an explanation as to why my body refused to respond to the hundreds of dollars worth of medicine and said based on the lining it didn't look like I ovulated early.  More meds and another ultrasound prescribed.  Additional Follistim injection.
Day 12 - Additional Follistim injection
Day 13 - Ultrasound - Two follicles on the left side measuring about 17.  We're on for IUI # 2.
Day 15 - Ovidrel injection
Day 17 - IUI #2

I've been in a little fertility funk after our first failed IUI and am really just getting exhausted from...everything... with that said, we've decided to take a break from going to the fertility clinic for the summer for a couple of reasons:

1) Summer is fun... and busy... we already have weekends booked with weddings, vacations, and camping trips.  I don't have control over my cycle and I would just feel better about life if I'm not having to worry about it in the midst of summer plans.  "Oh geez Dan, I would love to come to your wedding but it happens to fall on Day (choose your own number) and I have to (choose ultrasound, blood work, or turkey baster procedure)."

2) I need a break from the meds.  I've been on fertility drugs for two years now and I feel my body and I just need a break from them.  I am hoping having a summer without unexplainable crabbiness, mood swings, hot flashes, and headaches will put me back in the right spot come fall. 

3) It gives me a chance to hopefully have a "real" job by the end of the summer.  This in turn would mean more money for us to save for any potential procedures/adoptions down the road.  We've been surviving on my meager pay so we're looking forward to the amount of money we can potentially save once/if that changes.  I had a job interview so I'm hoping for some changes in a month... hopefully!

Taking a break from the clinic doesn't mean we're taking a break from trying.  We'll just be doing it the natural way and see what happens.  Maybe just "relaxing" will be the cure. (FYI - Do not EVER tell an infertile to just relax and then she'll get pregnant.  I may just snap right back at you and tell you to just relax your cancer or obesity or diabetes or heart disease or IBS or insert any disease away.  Yes, I know you heard of this one story where this one person knew another person who heard this story about this other person that got pregnant and soon as they adopted or "stopped trying".  It's a myth people.  The actual percentage of that happening is small.)

Wow, I'm starting to rant and rave about nothing so it looks like a sign that I should end this post.  Prayers for a positive outcome in a couple of weeks please! 

IUI #1 = Fail

Well, one IUI under our belt without the results we were hoping for.  My cycle made it only 26 days which is unusual for me.  I'm not really sure how to describe how I feel about it.  Disappointed for sure, but maybe numb is a better word at the moment.  Being such a short cycle caught me completely off guard... and I had to go right into the "next cycle" mode calling the doctor and three pharmacies today...so maybe just numb... and tired...ha!

We're going to continue with the same dosages of medication this round but are adding in a day 3 (tomorrow) ultrasound and blood work.  I think it's just a baseline to see how ready my body is for this next round...but quite honestly I am really not sure and will find out more tomorrow.  I'll keep you posted.

So I Prayed for Peace...

and peace is what I got...literally... I came home today and saw an Amazon box.  I asked Austin what he ordered and he said he didn't and he was wondering what I had ordered.  I opened the box to find a Willow Tree Angel of Peace.  I have no idea who sent it, so if it's someone who reads this, THANK YOU!  Beyond blessed!!!!!

...and the results are in...

Wednesday I had the upper GI endoscopy.  It went very smoothly and we were in and out of the hospital within an hour and a half.  I've been diagnosed with a hiatal hernia, so basically my stomach is pushing up into my chest cavity.  Not everyone who has a hiatal hernia has acid reflux problems, and not everyone who has acid reflux issues has a hiatal hernia.  It wasn't too bad of one so surgery isn't needed at all and for right now we just treat the symptoms with doubling the meds and continuing to sleep elevated. 

This morning I had my day 11 ultrasound.  I had 3-4 large follicles on both sides.  In fact, they were so large that the IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning!  Ahh!!  I was jumping out of my skin all day at work!  I am so excited/nervous/scared/happy/excited/terrified/excited!!  Moving forward gives me a new sense of hope and positive feeling.  So tomorrow morning Austin will make a deposit, we'll putz around at the Costco for an hour, and then we'll go back to the clinic for the procedure.  Afterwards, we'll be able to continue on our day as usual.  I will need some extra prayers for peace these next two weeks as we wait the results of the IUI!

I really am still here...

I have to apologize for the lack of posts.  I just haven't felt real inspired to write much!  I have a big week ahead of me.  Tomorrow is my mom's birthday.  I'm pretty sure I'll have to have a caramel cashew sundae and throw the cherry out the window in memory of her! :)  Tuesday I start the three days of Follistim injections.  I heard they weren't that bad to do and the side effects were tolerable.  Below is a picture of what this cycle entails.  There you see an entire paycheck worth of meds that have been and will be put into my body this cycle.  How exciting! (I hope you note my sarcasm!) 

Wednesday I have an upper GI endoscopy scheduled at the local hospital.  I have had acid reflux issues that started about 2.5 years ago which I was then prescribed medicine.  I took that as needed and then didn't have any issues for quite awhile.  Well, the last year it has gotten progressively worse leading up to having an episode a couple of weeks ago that involved waking up at 11:30 pm and spending the rest of the entire night coughing and throwing up acid.  That was the last straw so I went to the doctor and we're doing the endoscopy.  Since then I've doubled the medication, continued my nightly consumption of Tums, and upped it to three pillows and haven't had a problem since.  I have a feeling it will just be a simple, common case of GERD and I'll be told to continue meds, stay with three pillows, and lose 500 pounds. 

Friday morning is our ultrasound.  I'll be interested to see the state of the follicles due to the added meds.  Based on that ultrasound we'll schedule the IUI and figure the timing out for that.

So to sum it up, it's a busy week ahead for this girl...but one hopefully with some answers!

The Next Steps!

Monday I had my ultrasound.  The follicles were growing the way they were supposed to be so I took ovulation tests twice a day for four days.  I didn't get any positives (I never have!) so I did the Ovidrel injection and we timed things out.  Thursday and I Austin and I both went to the doctor to talk the next steps with him.  Pending on the results of this cycle, we decided to go with the "hybrid" IUI for our next steps.  It is considered hybrid because it will involve both oral and injectable medications.  It will go as follows:
Day 3 - 5 pills of Letrozole
Day 4 - 5 pills of Letrozole (and start praying real hard I don't start going crazy crabby again)
Day 5 - 5 pills of Letrozole
Day 6 - 5 pills of Letrozole
Day 7 - 5 pills of Letrozole
Day 8 - HCG injection
Day 9 - HCG injection
Day 10 - HCG injection
Day 11 - ultrasound to check on the follicles
Ovidrel injection
IUI process - aka the turkey baster procedure
Start the two week wait!

I really am excited about these next steps and feel good about a plan being in place!

Going Gluten Free*

I decided to try going gluten free for about six weeks for a variety of reasons.  A big reason is that I have HORRIBLE indigestion problems (wake up in the middle of the night throwing up) and I would like to find the trigger.  Another reason is that celiac runs in my family.  I have an aunt and two cousins diagnosed with it.  Yet another reason is that studies show that a gluten free diet can help with infertility.  Does it mean that once I go gluten free I will be guaranteed to conceive, absolutely not.  But I figured it'd be worth a try and really couldn't hurt anything. 

I am a couple of weeks into it and I have to admit I have been more gluten limited than gluten free, hence the asterisk.  We've changed pasta, snacks, and bread (YUCK) to GF, and that has been a pretty smooth transition.  I've found the biggest challenge to be going out to eat or going over to a friend's house.  I refuse to dictate a menu to a friend to be sure to accommodate me going GF, so I just know I can make choices to limit it (having the meat without a bun).  Also, I have found most restaurants have GF options, so I just need to seek them out ahead of time. 

I had the worst headaches I've ever had when I started going GF and am not sure if it was my body having withdrawals or if the headaches were side effects of the medicine I was on that time.  I have also had just as bad, if not worse, indigestion issues.  It's really been effecting my sleep so I am thinking about making a doctor appointment.  Being up for 2-2.5 hours in the middle of the night three nights a week is starting to take its toll on me.

Tomorrow morning I have my ultrasound to check on the follicles.  Also this week we have an appointment set up to talk our next steps with the doctor.  I'm interested to see what his opinion is of where we should go next.  I am guessing either surgery to check out the "blocked" tube or just going right into the IUI.  More updates to follow!          

Warning: Taking a Pregnancy Will Start Your Period

Ugghh!!!!!!!  I made it to day 32.  My hopes were so high.  I thought this was finally our month.  I put off taking a pregnancy test until this morning with dreams of how to tell Austin about our future family on Valentine's Day.  It was negative, but hey, I figured I'd just restest in a day or two.  Well, no need for that!  Flo decided to show up at work this afternoon.  My heart broke.  I was sick.  I just wanted to leave and cry.  I prayed at my desk that my boss wouldn't walk by asking for something so he wouldn't see the tears.  I wished so bad to be back in my old classroom where I could lock the door and cry with my BFF next door.

But, tomorrow is a new day and this next cycle will bring new hope.  It will also bring the start of the IUI conversation with the doctor.  We figure there really is no sense in continuing doing something that isn't working.  I'm interested to see what these next steps will look like for the two of us! 

     

No Positive Here

This past week was the 10 year anniversary of my mom's death.  I'm posting what I put on Facebook, even though I think most of you who read this probably would have already seen it. 

"Ten years ago today, my world was turned upside down and I lost one of the most important people in my life, my mom. "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." Romans 8:28 Although I miss her more today than ever, I can honestly look back and be thankful for that day ten years ago. For I had an amazing mom for 20 years, it brought our family even closer together, I've learned to truly appreciate the people in my life, and I really don't believe I'd be the imperfect, but perfectly loved by God person I am today. Culvers drive-thru to get a caramel cashew sundae topped off with throwing the cherry out the window in memory of you today, mom! Love and miss you!!"

 

The anticipation of the anniversary is always worse than the actual day, but it's always a tough one.  Floods of emotions and memories come back to that exact day and the days following it.  Although remembering brings sadness and pain, it's also hard to forget the love poured down on us from family and friends. 

 

I had my second ultrasound on Friday.  Most of it was done with the abdominal ultrasound, thank God!  Apparently my ovaries are higher than normal, thus the painful ultrasounds up to this point!  I had two follicles growing on the left side, including one that was measuring over 22!  I also had two on the right side.  They've done some good growing in two days!  I've been doing OPKs twice a day since Wednesday and have yet to get a positive (hence the blog title).  The plan is to test through Sunday morning, and if I still don't get a positive, then to do the Ovidrel injection and time things out.  We'll see how it works out.  Next step is to start talking IUI with the doctor so we keep moving forward with dealing with the infertility issues.  In the meantime, I will be as patient as I can during the two week wait! :)